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We put our boxer, Tyson to sleep last Friday. He was 12 1/2. Not only am I missing him like crazy, but I'm struggling with feelings of guilt for choosing to let him go. I keep going over and over it in my head...questioning whether or not it was too soon.
Tyson had always been really healthy except for chronic ear infections. His health deteriorated pretty rapidly in the past 6 months. He had a tumor behind his eye and several tumors growing out of his skin. He's always had a sensitive stomach, but he started getting sick more often. He got a kidney infection a few months ago that cost $700 to cure...he almost died at that time. He was getting arthritis pretty bad...he couldn't stand for very long without his rear end sinking down. His legs were giving out on him from time to time and he would stumble around the yard and even fell down a few times in the house. He lost his hearing over a year ago due to the chronic ear infections and he developed hematomas in each ear. He also had a problem under his tail and the vet said it would eventually prevent him from being able to go to the bathroom (or yard).
Well he started acting distant. He's always been a loving member of the family and involved in everything. He seemed to lose interest in all of us and kind of did his own thing. Some days he was his old self, but most days he seemed sad and miserable and like he just didn't want to be here. He began refusing to eat. The only thing I could get him to eat was chicken and he was losing weight. For the last week we had him, he howled every night. He would cry off and on during the day, he constantly wanted to go outside. Then last Wednesday he actually ran away from me. He would sometimes roam over to the neighbor's yard, but he took off and he saw me coming after him and he kept going. I finally caught up to him and he kept trying to get away, ran out in front of a car and almost got hit. When I got him home, he didn't want to come back in. We had been discussing letting him go...and early Friday morning he woke me up howling. I went to check on him (he slept in the living room), he was in the window just howling and his back legs were all sunk down. I tried to get him to sit so I could pet him and comfort him. He just stood there and wouldn't look at me. He kept crying that morning and we decided it was time. I spent time with him hugging him, petting him, etc. Once I had some one on one time, he acted like he didn't want to be around me anymore. My husband took him, I stayed home...I thought that maybe he didn't want me there and I know he can sense my emotions and I didn't want to make his passing difficult. My husband said he went very peacefully.
The thing is...I've never lost an animal that I've been so close to. He was like a child to me and I feel like I betrayed his trust. I didn't want him to suffer, I didn't want him to get so bad that he couldn't move. I didn't want him to run away and get hit by a car, attacked by a dog or starve to death. We think he was trying to get away to go off somewhere and die since he was refusing to eat and running away. For anyone who has been through this...how do I make these feelings go away?? All the things he did that drove me nuts are the things I miss most! I hope he knows I love him and I was trying to do what I thought he wanted. All this stuff keeps going through my mind...did I make a decision too fast, should've I waited...but then I remind myself that he was old, his health was deteriorating and he wasn't going to get any better...if it wasn't that day it would've been another.
I feel lost without my big boy. He's been with me through every major crisis in my life. I've had him since I was 18 and I'm now 30.
My heart is broken...I think he took a piece of it with him...
Thanks for reading...
April
Tyson had always been really healthy except for chronic ear infections. His health deteriorated pretty rapidly in the past 6 months. He had a tumor behind his eye and several tumors growing out of his skin. He's always had a sensitive stomach, but he started getting sick more often. He got a kidney infection a few months ago that cost $700 to cure...he almost died at that time. He was getting arthritis pretty bad...he couldn't stand for very long without his rear end sinking down. His legs were giving out on him from time to time and he would stumble around the yard and even fell down a few times in the house. He lost his hearing over a year ago due to the chronic ear infections and he developed hematomas in each ear. He also had a problem under his tail and the vet said it would eventually prevent him from being able to go to the bathroom (or yard).
Well he started acting distant. He's always been a loving member of the family and involved in everything. He seemed to lose interest in all of us and kind of did his own thing. Some days he was his old self, but most days he seemed sad and miserable and like he just didn't want to be here. He began refusing to eat. The only thing I could get him to eat was chicken and he was losing weight. For the last week we had him, he howled every night. He would cry off and on during the day, he constantly wanted to go outside. Then last Wednesday he actually ran away from me. He would sometimes roam over to the neighbor's yard, but he took off and he saw me coming after him and he kept going. I finally caught up to him and he kept trying to get away, ran out in front of a car and almost got hit. When I got him home, he didn't want to come back in. We had been discussing letting him go...and early Friday morning he woke me up howling. I went to check on him (he slept in the living room), he was in the window just howling and his back legs were all sunk down. I tried to get him to sit so I could pet him and comfort him. He just stood there and wouldn't look at me. He kept crying that morning and we decided it was time. I spent time with him hugging him, petting him, etc. Once I had some one on one time, he acted like he didn't want to be around me anymore. My husband took him, I stayed home...I thought that maybe he didn't want me there and I know he can sense my emotions and I didn't want to make his passing difficult. My husband said he went very peacefully.
The thing is...I've never lost an animal that I've been so close to. He was like a child to me and I feel like I betrayed his trust. I didn't want him to suffer, I didn't want him to get so bad that he couldn't move. I didn't want him to run away and get hit by a car, attacked by a dog or starve to death. We think he was trying to get away to go off somewhere and die since he was refusing to eat and running away. For anyone who has been through this...how do I make these feelings go away?? All the things he did that drove me nuts are the things I miss most! I hope he knows I love him and I was trying to do what I thought he wanted. All this stuff keeps going through my mind...did I make a decision too fast, should've I waited...but then I remind myself that he was old, his health was deteriorating and he wasn't going to get any better...if it wasn't that day it would've been another.
I feel lost without my big boy. He's been with me through every major crisis in my life. I've had him since I was 18 and I'm now 30.
My heart is broken...I think he took a piece of it with him...Thanks for reading...
April
